Unmanageable

It did snow yesterday in Texas, and temperatures are expected to be low so we will have a slightly white Christmas. I am cheating with this photo however. I have not downloaded yesterday's pictures from the digital camera yet, so this photo was taken last year.

To see the rest of my stepwork online go here.

Step One: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol-that our lives had become unmanageable.

I know intellectually that there are bottoms below mine. There are homelessness, divorce, bankruptcy, cirrhosis, killing someone while you are DUI, prisons and psychiatric wards. All of these are "yet's" to me. They haven't happened to me yet and the odds are that if I keep working the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, they won't happen to me ever. By the same token, odds are that if I stop working the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, sooner or later I will drink again and then one by one some of those, possibly but unlikely all, will enter my life, one by one.

It is hard for me to imagine a bottom lower than mine. Just trying to remember that last day and night fills me with shame and dread and I avoid it instinctively. I don't want to remember those feelings at all. If you ever want to, you can read my story here. The drinking part is not pretty, but there is a happy ending and I am living that ending now.

Nici, my sponsor has asked me to reread The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions and write about how my life is unmanageable today, because it is unmanageable.

Powerlessness, I got that. Unmanageable is what I am living today because I just have no control over what is going on around me and to me.

Yesterday I fucked up a $10,000 per month reoccuring order which would have been the gateway to significantly new business. There really is no other interpretation of events. In doing the math I had to convert from price per pound to price per gallon and then from there to price per liter and somewhere along the way I multiplied instead of dividing. The net effect is simple: I quoted a price lower than our cost. I'm not too concerned about myself. The commission would have been nice, but I'm okay.

I'm worried about the distributor I am doing business with. I hope I have not fucked him too badly, but I am pretty sure I did. If I lost $10k per month in business, he lost $15k and he is not part of a multidivision company with revenues in excess of $40 million. He is a small businessman in Canada and he needs revenue and I fucked it up badly and I feel awful about it.

I have no idea how I can salvage this, or even if it can be salvaged.

Unmanageable.

I feel like a fucking idiot. And when it comes to math I am. I did ask a coworker to check my math, but I don't think he took me seriously and he simply glanced at the numbers. Because of my vocabulary people assume I am smart. They have no clue that I can barely add. I am slightly learning disabled at math, I know this and the responsibility is mine, nobody else. I can't blame my coworker for my work.

This is just the most recent evidence of my life's unmanageability. I am lucky because I have a Higher Power to give it all over to.

Good Morning Goddess, my name is Andy and I am a drunk. I have been kept sober, by Your grace and Your grace alone since Imbolc 2001. I'd like to take this moment to thank You, my Higher Power for this daily reprieve. Today is a good day to be sober.

Please be with me today, all through the day and help me stay sober all day long. Show me Your will for me and grant me the power to carry that out. Thy will, not mine be done. Be welcome in me and to me, body, heart, mind and soul.

Goddess, grant that I may be of service to both my distributor and my company. Thank You, Blessed Be.