Saturday, December 18, 2004

Depression Continues

(c) JPC Artworks
  • Image courtesy of Joanna Powell Colbert.

  • It is funny sometimes how little insight I have into myself. I know I am depressed but I don't see it as being too bad. However, at my morning appointment with my therapist (whom I will call Marjorie), Marjorie became more agitated and disturbed as the session progressed. I realized at some point that she was actually quite upset about what I was saying and that my description of how I was feeling was alarming to her.

    This is pretty unusual. Marjorie usually only feels the need to point me in specific directions and to try to give me tools to handle difficult situations. She does not say so, but I get the feeling that I am definitely one of those people she feels is on the right track.

    Not today. By the end of the session it was clear to me that she was not worried about me drinking. I think she's worried that I might try to commit suicide. I say this because Marjorie was determined to get me in to a psychiatrist to have my anti-depressant meds evaluated. Marjorie seemed very upset that the psychiatrist she works with was not seeing patients until the first of the year. I have been given some serious AA related assignments to do and Marjorie pushed hard for a committment that I would call my sponsor every day. Marjorie fretted that the earliest we could get me in to see her was the 29th and pushed me hard to call her if I needed to.

    I'll admit it, I was a little frightened by the fear I sensed from her.

    I got home from the appointment and tell Laura about it and Laura starts to cry and tell me how alarmed and frightened she is about my depression. Laura explicitly linked my depression to the way I behaved when I was drinking and her comments were that my blog was troubling for her to read because she hates to see me in this much pain. Again, I had no clue that Laura was in this much distress over me.

    I should not be surprised by this lack of self-insight. Depression collapses your world around you and there seems to be no way out of the situation you are in. Everything is overwhelming and the energy to do combat is simply not there. You lose the ability to be empathetic because everything is viewed through a lens of self-pity.

    This afternoon I slept from noon until five pm. Typical depressive behavior from Andy. Not typical for normal Andy.

    Laura tells me that since things have really gone sour between me and my family that Christmas is always a difficult time of year for me. I guess she is right.

    Anyway, I really don't want to blow my brains out and I do have a good life so I am going to be focusing on trying to work through this depression as best I can. It's just not the way I want to live.