Tuesday, December 14, 2004

Children Are Expensive Little Bastards

(c) Andy Ternay
  • Okay. They have stopped being pretty. Now they just mean one more thing to rake.
  • I've been looking at day care and I have reached an unmistakeable conclusion: we are going to have to train the dogs to become nannies. $200 per week! What if I wasn't all that picky about weather or not you hired ex-cons? All the little ladies who answer the phone just reek of that fake-nicey personality that I just hate. Then there is all this stuff like car seats, strollers, clothing, diapers . . .

    Matt, just don't even go here. You are much smarter than I. If you ever feel the urge to reproduce, why don't you come visit and take care of the kid. That should squash whatever paternal instinct you may feel rising within you. Just as a friend, if you do visit, I think you should take care of all child related expenses while you are up here - you know, just so you can get a sense of the whole thing.

    I used to think weddings were the big racket, but I guess it is really weddings, babies and funerals. It is just shameless how they rape you. Take cribs for instance. Consumer Reports recommends this $110 crib as being the best combination of safety and practicality. Go into a baby store; cribs start at $300. Ask the salesman about the crib we read about in Consumer Reports. He sneers at us and says, "Oh, well if you don't care about giving your child a good start . . ."

    Apparently the hot thing in cribs is all this ornate, scrolling woodwork. These cribs start at around $900. Consumer Reports warns that the only thing scrolling woodwork is good for is catching baby clothes and potentially strangling the baby. Since only fat Republican bastards can afford those cribs, that's fine with me. Making a bluer country, one crib at a time. Hey, maybe they will pass tort reform and these fat Republican bastard won't even be able to sue the manufacturer. That would be ironic.

    I have also learned to keep my mouth shut around the office. The only heresy worse than voting for a Democrat is to speak ill of the corporate bullshit myth of boundless joy regarding an impending child. Express one doubt or fear and be told that is the wrong attitude mister! So I just don't say anything. They are learning not to ask. Apparently some of them thought that this would be a safe topic to break down the barriers between them and me, but they are so wrong. All it takes is, "Have you and Laura picked a color?" and I come back with, "Yes, black." With that, they disappear.

    Just in case you cannot tell, I am scared. I feel very inadequate to the task and emotionally unprepared. How do I instill confidence in my child when I don't have any? How do I teach a child self-love if I am a void there? I don't know and that frightens me.

    It seems to me that it is terriby unfair that I would have a child when around me I know of at least three couples who want children who cannot have them. They are either trying or have been simply told they cannot. Either way, the result is the same, good people who would be loving parents who can't. And me; who did not want to and now wants it but does not think he can do a good job of it, I will be a parent instead of them.

    Goddess, people tell me there is a plan, that everything happens for a reason. I don't think so. I don't believe You know outcomes any better than I do. I don't understand any of this at all. I will trust You, put my faith in You and simply hope for the best. This world seems pointlessly cruel and stupid today. Please help me stay sober. You know who I am praying for, please watch over them. Blessed Be.