Depression: Its Gonna Kill Me

Right now the major reason I am glad I don't own a gun is because I would really want to shoot myself with it. I know these feelings are not rational, but that does not mean they aren't real. Rational and real are not the same thing.

Here and now I want to kill myself and wish I had never quit drinking because I might already be dead if I had not. Of course these moods hit me when my sponsor is out of town and left her cell phone at home. sometimes I think my mind waits and sets these traps for me.

I can't think of any part of me worth being, I can't see anything worthwhile in me at all.

New car, new kilt . . . makes no difference. Purchasing things will not make me feel better about myself.

Laura is pregnant and this is the first real I-wish-I-did-not-exist depression since she became pregnant. I feel like I can't commit suicide because I am responsible for a child. That makes me hate that child and feel like it is a very unwelcome intruder in my life. For thirty-four years I said I did not want a child and if I am this way, I was right. This is the mood they are in when they drown their children in a bathtub.

I really hate you all at the moment.

I don't want to stay this way. It is like my whole insides are crawling. No hope at all. Evil is victorious everywhere and I can do nothing.

Off to work now. Talk about wishing you had a gun. Maybe I would not shoot myself first.