Monday, December 06, 2004


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  • Dreams of war, dreams of lies, dreams of dragon's fire and of things that will bite . . ."
    Metallica, Enter Sandman

    Restless night of almost no sleep.

    Perhaps I should consider taking my physician's advice and upping my dose of Wellbutrin from 300mg each day to 450mg. I really don't want to do this. It is with great reluctance that I take meds at all.

    But with that said, my willingness to take my medications is probably one of the reasons why I have been able to have a steady job, steady marriage and an alcohol free life. So this is very important to me.

    There are some assholes in Alcoholics Anonymous who say that "you aren't sober if you're taking pills to maintain your mood." The first thing one notes about these individuals is that they are not doctors, not physicians, not psychiatrists, not social workers or therapists. They are ordinary garden variety drunks, no more and no less. Since people go to AA to learn how to live sober and not to learn to practice psychiatry, it is probably safe to ignore them. The second thing is that many of these idiots are not aware of new studies showing biological factors for depression do exist, it is a legitimate disease and it can be treated. Funny how they don't have a problem with alcoholism being a disease but argue that depression isn't. Lastly, you can kill someone by telling them to just get off the pills. Some meds you must gradually decrease the dose, other folks may go into extreme mood swings and some may become suicidal.

    Quick AA primer: AA is there to help people work the steps and stay sober. AA is not there to provide financial, relationship or medical advice. As they say, if what you hear cannot be reconciled with the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, then it is probably best to ignore it.

    So I am depressed. No question about it. I think the fact that I am going to be a dad is one of the reasons I am depressed. The fact that I am essentially an outcast at work does not help. Last but not least, I no longer feel like I am welcome in my own country, so that bothers me as well.

    I hope my child does not inherit my alcoholism or my depression. Both are hereditary diseases. Both are killers. This is one of the reasons I swore I would never reproduce. Now I have and I am feeling a tremendous sense of remorse for having done so. It was a very irresponsible thing to do and now the only choice is to make the best of it. Worrying about it now is a waste of time and energy.

    So I will take an extra Wellbutrin at lunch today, as my doctor recommended, and I will keep doing that for at least a month and we will see what the elevated Wellbutrin levels do for my depression. I will also make an effort to get more exercise, that helps tremendously. And we shall see from there.

    Two great blessings, I have niether thought of or wanted a cigarette or a drink. Until I saw I'd walk a mile for a Camel at Matt's blog, I had not even thought of either in a couple of weeks. Even after reading the post, no cravings.

    They have been removed.

    Good Morning Goddess Brigit. My name is Andy, I am an alcoholic. I have been kept sober for almost four years by Your grace and Your grace alone. I'd like to take this moment to thank You, my Higher Power for this my daily reprieve. Today is a good day to be sober!

    Please be with me today, all through the day and help me to stay sober all day long. Show me Your will for me and grant me the power to carry that out. Thy will, not mine be done. Be welcome in me and to me; body, heart, mind and soul. Please, keep an eye on our soldiers wherever they may be, here is a prayer for my coworker who is having a child and a prayer for my covenmates who are having a difficult time. Thank You, Blessed Be!