Friday, July 16, 2004

My Sponsor

To see my other stepwork online visit Index of Stepwork.

Last night I went and visited my sponsor (in Alcoholics Anonymous a sponsor is a person who helps you work the Twelve Steps). For the purposes of protecting her anonymity I will call her Nici. I know, I know, I’m a guy, I’m supposed to have a male sponsor. That’s what her sponsor told Nici when Nici called her sponsor, J, to tell J a guy had asked her to sponsor him. J then asked, “Well, he’s gay, right?” The answer was no, I am not gay. J was not too crazy about this.

There is good reason for concern. If sex enters a sponsor/sponsee relationship, I would bet that drinking would be next. J reluctantly gave Nici the green light to sponsor me. After two and one half years with Nici as a sponsor I am pleased to report we are both sober. Nici and I have been in bed together, but we were fully dressed and studying the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous at the time.

When I met Nici, I was having a pretty damn tough time with things. I was about six months sober, my current sponsor was in Alaska for a couple of months. Vodka was starting to whisper sexy things in my ear again. Vodka was like an ex-girlfriend who is so good looking and great in the sack, but who totaled my cars, stole my money, fucked my friends and told me I was a loser who should just die, and she’d love to sit and watch me slit my wrists. Any sane person would run the other way when they saw her coming.

Me? Well, she’d slip up behind me and whisper something like, “Hey baby, let’s you and me get together tonight. We had some bad times recently. This time, I’ll be different. I love you baby. I won’t play any games this time. You’ll be in control. I’ll be your bad girl, your nasty little fantasy. What do you say? Just a little sip . . .” I was starting to salivate when I thought about her dressed in a translucent shot glass.

If I had not met another alcoholic and opened up to them, sooner or later I would have reached for the sense of ease and comfort which came at once in the embrace of that old girlfriend of mine. It would have felt good, too, for a while.

Nici appealed to me at once, she was hosting an AA meeting a pagan community center. How cool was that?? I have told countless people that I chose Nici to be my sponsor because I was able to see her relationship to her daughters. It is a close, loving relationship, and that was something I wanted with my wife and family. So it is true, I wanted what Nici had.

But that isn’t the whole truth. There was a big part of me that wanted to be different. Having a female sponsor was different. Having a female sponsor who was pagan was different. Having a female sponsor who was pagan, had hair dyed florescent one day, red the next and purple the next was different. I wanted to be a rebel.

The Goddess does things for us we cannot do for ourselves. If I had set out to sabatoge my sobriety, it backfired. Nici is a wonderful sponsor. She works the steps of AA, she challenges me to better myself, she’ll give me a hand up when I fall and she can laugh at both me and herself. I am so, so, very lucky to have her. She is Goddess sent.

This reminds me, Nici gave me a couple of assignments for today . . . I have to do an affirmation, something to do with deserving abundance and stuff.

I am a child of the Goddess and the Goddess created an abundant life for all of Her children to take part of. This abundance is a Gift from the Creatress of all. It is bad manners not to accept a gift, especially a gift given with such Love. Great Mother, I accept Your gift of abundance with gratitude today. I am Your child, I am worthy of such a gift.

Dear Goddess Brigit, my name is Andy and I am on of Your alcoholic kids. I have been kept sober since Imbolc, 2001 by Your grace and nothing else. Please be with me today, all through the day and help me stay sober all day long. Please let me do Your will and be of service to someone. Thank You so very much.

Blessed Be.