Friday, December 24, 2004

Unmanageable Continued

(c) Andy Ternay
  • Jewel did this altar. It is my very favorite of all the altars my little coven has used for worship and magick.

  • To see the rest of my stepwork online go here.
    Step One: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol-that our lives had become unmanageable.

    My sponsor wants more digging into the unmanageability of my life and I agree; yesterday's post was simply a statement of the most recent event or thing going on.

    One of the things that AA gave me was the feeling of belonging to the human race, being a part of, instead of apart from. That feeling left in the early hours of November 3rd and has not returned since. In many ways this is silly, November 2nd changed nothing really, people felt the way they felt before and there was no major shift in attitudes other than my attitude and perception.

    So, what changed? Before November 2nd I felt very much a part of, I had thrown myself into working on campaigns and had put Alcoholics Anonymous stepwork on hold. Being involved made me feel like a part of a larger community. On November 3rd that ended and ended badly. I lost the community of the campaigns and felt like an alien in my own nation. Since then I have regained a sense of community in the activist and liberal world.

    But I am regarding the rest of the world, specifically my fellow countrymen with a new suspicion and more than a hint of animosity. I find myself thinking of them as traitors. Being in public now is harder than it was before. When I check out of the grocery store I wonder if the checker is one of the people willing to send American soldiers to die for a lie. At the gas station I worry that the person beside me is determined to destroy my religion.

    Work is the worst because I know that they dislike me and would love to see me fail and fall. I have caught one woman in my office in the act of undermining me to my boss. So they hate me, and I am returning the favor, which is a dangerous, almost insane thing for an alcoholic to do - at least, if he wants to stay sober.

    I thought that maybe I was imagining this connection of my depression and difficulty relating to people with the election but Laura confirms that is when this whole thing began.

    Apparently I was niave to believe that most people would oppose torture.

    So I have less faith in my fellow man than before and that is a very saddening thing.

    I am stopping here, I am getting upset.