Monday, December 27, 2004

Andy For Congress

(c) Andy Ternay
  • WitchStock 2004

  • It appears likely that we are stuck in Texas for another two years, minimum. That is what it will take for us to get some equity, if that is the correct term, in the house. So, I was thinking that if no Democrat runs for congress from my district, maybe I should. I would run as an Erisian. This is the 3rd District in Texas, currently represented by Republican Sam Johnson. Don't be fooled by the grandfatherly look he has on the homepage. He's still disappointed they ended slavery and when he gets up out of bed the first thing he does is check under the bed for communists.

    It is far more likely that I will be appointed Pope than that I will win this election so I am thinking that I could have some fun with this. For example, here are some bills I would propose introducing and working to pass should I, Goddess forbid, be elected to United States House of Representatives:

  • Mandatory Gay Marriage. I am not yet sure of the final form of this, but either I will require all Gays to marry (I'm not concerned who, what, why, when or where) or I will require everyone to marry a Gay person. I kinda like the second one, that looks more absurd on the face of it.

  • Mandatory Charity Gun Registration. It does not matter what charity you register your gun for: the Race for the Cure, to cure Cystic Fibrosis, the local food bank I don't care, just register your damn guns. These records are then to be destroyed by the charity in question. The point is simply to make happy those conservatives who insist that liberals want mandatory gun registration - I don't want to disappoint them.

  • Public Schools will teach girls to practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism, and become lesbians. Don't worry guys, if she is heterosexual, the class won't make her a lesbian. But it might make it easier to talk her into a girl/girl threeway with you!
  • Anyone professing to be a Biblical literalist must follow ALL BIBLICAL LAWS or suffer the prosribed Biblical penalty for not obeying these laws. To get an idea of what this involves visit here(there are better links to illustrate this point, I will try to find one later)

  • All topless/nude bars must be adjacent to either a school, church or day care center. Preferably all three. Dancers should get discounts at the day care center.

  • Anyone who wishes to opt out of paying taxes may do so. In order to do so, you must mount a device on your car that will register whenever you drive on a public road. $1 is deducted from your bank account per public road travelled on. If your child attends public schools, send them with $20 per day or they get shut out of the school. If you are uninsured and show up injured at a hospital, cash in advance or they don't treat you. If you have a disease that constitutes a public health hazard, they treat you, but can sieze wages and assets to cover the costs of your treatment.

  • That's all for now. I'm open to suggestions for more.

    Blessings to all!