Wednesday, September 29, 2004

Andy Gets Elected (Ten Days)

(c) Andy Ternay
  • Ten Days. I will be able to post by about 2pm Central time what this is all about, that is, unless something has gone horribly wrong. So, if you don’t see a post by 3pm or so, please send some positive energy my way. Thank you.

    I know a lady who got elected High Priestess of her grove by going to the bathroom. When she returned, the conspirators congratulated her. I hear that she holds it, now matter what, until the council of elders is done meeting.

    I know how she feels. Yesterday Lisa and I were volunteering at the Martin Frost campaign office and Lisa offhandedly mentioned that she did not even know who was running for judge or Congress from our district (we are not in Martin Frost’s district). Next thing I know, I a precinct chair for Precinct number . . . uh . . . I don’t even know what precinct I have!

    Apparently the last Democrat moved out four years ago.

    I protested. I pointed out that I was not even a Democrat! They were unimpressed—they pointed out that I had a Kerry/Edwards shirt and was volunteering for Martin Frost. When I explained that I liked the individuals but did not always like the party they responded that if it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck and craps like a duck, it is a duck. I then cleverly switched tactics and pointed out they did not want a weirdo in a kilt knocking on the doors of swing voters.

    Apparently a weirdo in a kilt is better than nobody. And they are not worried about swing voters in Garland, TX.

    I was all set to then point out that I am a Witch, but right across the way from me is an elf woman in a forest green medieval cloak, with multiple pierced ears and a necklace with several charms hanging from it—I believe it represents the Wheel of the Year. So they don’t care about my faith is my guess.

    My last card, that I am an irresponsible drunk who is not to be trusted, is also negated. Apparently it is something of a tradition for irresponsible drunks to hold positions of responsibility in the Democratic party of Texas. In fact, I got the distinct impression that my sobriety was more of a handicap for the position than a help. Apparently drinking to escape disastrous election results is also something of a tradition for the Democratic Party of Dallas County.

    So, if I did not have enough to do before November 2nd, I am now Precinct Chairman for Precinct Number . . . uh, I’ll get back to you on that one.

    My job is to go door to door in my precinct and surpress the black vote.

    Oh—sorry! That is the REPUBLICAN precinct chairman’s job! My bad!

    My job is to Get Out The Vote (GOTV—it sounds like you are cheering on an athlete in drag, kinda).

    Well, I had asked the Goddess in prayer how I could make a difference in the election. Be careful what you ask for. You might just get it. She’s generous that way!

    Some parts of this essay have been fictionalized in the interests of humor and satire. However, the overall thrust of the essay is completely accurate.

    Ten Days.

    Good Morning Mischievous Goddess Brigit. I should have know an Irish Goddess would know how to stuff a ballot box! I thank You for my sobriety all day yesterday and ask that You help me stay sober all day today. You know my special prayers today and I know You love and care for me and Lisa as Your children. I thank You again. Blessed Be.