Tuesday, September 28, 2004

I Wanna Be Me (Nine Days)

  • Image courtesy of
  • Nine days. I will be announcing what the nine days refers to sometime tomorrow afternoon.

    In the comments yesterday someone noted that I am sticking my neck out and that it could get chopped off. They were referring to the fact that I am bluntly honest about being an alcoholic and a witch and my honest feelings about these things.

    I strongly disagree that this blog makes me more vulnerable. In fact, I believe it makes me less vulnerable. What is the worst you can throw at me? I have already named it, claimed it and am in the process of dealing with it, healing it or dumping it. What can you say about me to hurt me? That I am a drunk? I already know that. That I like porn a little too much to be healthy? Been there, done that, haven’t gotten the t-shirt yet.

    There are some characteristics I have in common with Popeye: I am what I am. If you don’t like it, in the top right hand corner is a small button that says “next blog.” Goddess go with you and I hope you find what you are looking for. Me? I am sailing on, right on and working to keep my PMA (positive mental attitude).

    What about my employer? What would they say if they saw this blog?

    Flat out, I hate my job. I want to be a writer. Work is where I go to kill forty of the hours in my week. There are two reasons I have not quit: first, I am about a year from being completely out of credit card debt (when you hear what the nine days is about you’ll see that this is changing). Second, my job directly conflicts with my values and ethics and in that sense is harmful to me. So I am admitting that I am a hypocrite, and I am willing to stay one for at least one more year. But if I lose my job over my blog, well, it is what it is.

    I don’t write this stuff because it is fun to do so. It is fun to me, but that is not enough to justify the work. I do it because when I don’t write this stuff I go crazy. She (Goddess) meant for me to write. When I write and I am in my groove it is better than being buzzed with your third beer. It is like the best parts of sex (well, maybe masturbation since you don’t have a partner). It is also service work. I share my experience, strength and hope with other people and hope it helps them.

    Am I afraid that if people learn that I am a Wiccan, a Witch they will turn away? Yes, I am. My sister did that—turned away and that still hurts terribly. But that is her business and her loss. My business is to serve the Goddess as best I can and to stay sober. I have to do the first part to the best of my ability in order to do the second part.

    So, job or no job, family or no family, I have to serve Her to stay sober. As a side effect of staying sober, I get to have a life more wonderful that I would have ever guessed possible. I don’t think that is a bad deal. If I lose my job, I have faith that She has something else in store for me if I am willing to work for it.

    So, bottom line: if you don’t like the Andy you see in this blog, go look for another Andy. This is me and that is all there is to it. You know, I am going to somehow find a way to earn a living that is compatible with my faith. I don’t know how yet, but I will.

    Maybe I will buy some land in the mountains of Colorado and open a retreat for Pagans and people in recovery. Host conventions and gatherings there.

    Hmmm. May be I will turn this blog into a book on Pagans in recovery and talk about everything from addictions to codependance to escaping being battered . . . I think that could be a worthwhile project.

    In the meantime, I will just be me.

    Nine days. Any guesses? The answer will be posted tomorrow afternoon.

    Good Morning Goddess Brigit, my name is Andy, I am an alcoholic and a child of Yours. Thank You for keeping me sober all day yesterday; please be with me today, all through the day and help me stay sober all day long. Show me Your will for me and grant me the power to carry that out. Thy will, not mine, be done. Thank You, Blessed Be!