Thursday, October 14, 2004

Fear And Selfishness

(c) Andy Ternay
  • Two books I need to be getting into on a full time basis.

  • Last night I had a nearly quit breathing panic attack. I was sitting down, doing bills and suddenly I just freaked out. It was all about the child.

    How in the hell are we going to be able to afford to have this child? Daycare is like $130-200 per week! Fuck me! Right now I am putting $200 per week to credit debt. There is no way—absolutely no way we can do both. We have to get out of credit debt. It is killing us. We are about one full year away from doing so (even with me getting my teeth done, which now seems like a horribly selfish thing to do and I am considering skipping despite my dentist and my own wishes). We can’t stop now.

    I did not want this child now, I wanted to wait until we were out of credit debt. In a couple of weeks we are going to get a car that has a monthly payment of $450 or so. I just don’t see it being possible.

    Maybe, after seven months of waiting, we need to pass on the Prius. I ‘m trying to figure the gas savings with it and I just don’t know.

    I find myself getting angry at this kid, this child who has not even been born for doing this to us (like the baby went and planned it). How can I be a parent with my attitude?

    My friends tell me I will be a good parent and I doubt them and myself. When I get mad and yell at the dogs I cringe because I can imagine doing that to a child.

    There is also that tiny, tiny voice tucked away in the back of my head that is just whispering away at me. This voice is evil Andy and it says things like: you didn’t plan this. Just get an abortion. Or walk away. Just leave—now. It isn’t your fault, you believed the doctors about her fertility, just go. You didn’t sign on for this bullshit. Fuck her and the kid.

    This stuff is easy to ignore. It is the totally selfish perspective of a man who has not finished growing up and I am not going to give in to that type of selfishness. But that is not all my little voice says. It says: hey, there isn’t a good solution to this problem of money and responsibility. You are just fucked for the next twenty-one years. The good news is that there is a solution for you, it worked for you for at least a decade, it will work for you again. That’s right. A drink will make it better. It will all go away and you’ll find comfort in the warm glow that will surround you. You deserve it. It’s not like you’re abdicating your responsibilities. You just need a break—a night off once a week or so. What could it possibly hurt?

    Right now, I am probably closer to the first drink than I have been in two or two and a half years. I can actually smell it and feel my mouth fill with saliva. I have not been to a meeting in a week, and because the car goes into the shop, I will not be going to one today. That is really bad. The good news is that this evening I will be meeting with Nici, my sponsor. I need this meeting tonight.

    This morning I need to spend extra time in prayer and meditation. It is all fear, that is what I am feeling. Simple fear of the unknown. Others have navigated this before me. I will survive, as will my marriage, as will my sobriety if I give it all over to She who created us all. Give it to the Goddess.

    I am sober today, and that is it.

    Goddess, I am frightened this morning, frightened of a hundred different things and I need You to help me through this, I cannot walk this path alone safely. Please, grant that I may be of service to Your children and Your purpose. I invite You into all of my life today, even those parts of my life that are filled with guilt, shame and fear—especially those parts. I will do my best to be Your servant throughout the day. Please be with me.

    Okay, that’s enough self-pity. I was born a white male in the world’s richest country. I have no grounds to complain. Time to get up, get going. There is work to do, I have to do my job and pay the bills, then I can work on electing a candidate who will protect this nation for our children, and then I can have fun getting ready for Samhain. Top priority: stay sober. Time to go.