Friday, October 15, 2004

Children. I Think This May Become a Frequent Topic. Sorry Matt.

(c) Andy Ternay
  • Fall is here! My favorite season. It is finally cooling down.

  • It occurs to me (after a little prodding from my AA sponsor, Nici) that many of my fears are things that either have not happened or are not likely to happen. For example, my suddenly deeply held fear that my child will be an alcoholic might be a bit premature in that it may take up to twenty years for this fear to even be relevant. I knew I was on the verge of stupidity when I started to wonder what the odds were that they child would be born with Down’s Syndrome and alcoholism. I have no reason to think that my child will have Down’s Syndrome.

    My financial concerns were somewhat amusing to her. She revealed that all parents have those concerns, not just me. Nici also told me that United States law allows each parent the chance to plant, grow and sell up to one acre of marijuana legally. Apparently this is partly for personal use so that we, the parents, calm down, and to aid us in affording what we need for the child.

    Just kidding. You can grow corn and pretend it is marijuana, but you look awfully silly selling small ziplock baggies of kernels. Those things are also a bitch to roll.

    Nici just keeps assuring me that the child is a gift from the Goddess and that the baby is not ours. But nature is allowing us to experience this wonderful miracle and we should be grateful.

    I think she smoked too much pot in the sixties. She raised four of these little monsters! Four! And she enjoyed it. All of them are reasonably successful. I have met them all and they are neat people.

    I have a confession to make. There is one fictional child portrayed in many movies who I would love to raise. You know, you see kids on television and in the movies and sometimes you feel like, how would I handle that as a parent? I’d be so proud of my kid if my kid were like that. I hope my kid is as curious as the that kid in the movie.

    So there is one child who, whenever I see her in the movies, I think to myself, I hope that if I ever have a little girl she is just like that. Any guesses as to who that would be?

    Wednesday Addams.

    Wednesday rocks. There she is with Puggsly Addams all tied up, with electric wires connected to his hands, feet and head. And sweet Wednesday says: We’re going to play a game. Puggsly replies: Cool, what’s it called As she plugs in the cords attached to Puggsly into a power cable Wednesday just look at him and replies: It’s called Is There A God?

    That’s my girl! I want a child I can play Wake The Dead with. How cool would that be? I think it would be great!

    So, anyway, that is my sick and demented (although loving and affectionate) take on children.

    One last thing—try saying this for a minute and see how it feels: President Kerry.

    I think it could happen. The only thing that I can see stopping it at this point is Karl Rove. I don’t know how, but since he is the Dark Lord, I must give Karl his due. It would not surprise me if between now and election day it turned out that Karl has photos of Kerry and Osama Bin Laden planning 9-11 together.

    Actually, my bet is that they will capture Osama Bin Laden about a week before the election.

    I don’t believe in capital punishment, but in Karl Rove’s case, I waver a little bit.

    Actually, what I think should be done, is that all of those rotten bastards, all of the little chickenhawks, I think they should be publically offered positions in Iraq. You know, invite them to be on the recovery and rebuilding team: Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld, Rove, Wolfowitz, Feith, Pearle, Ashcroft and Ridge. Since they are so invested in making Iraq a democracy, I think President Kerry should offer them the opportunity to put their boots on the ground in a literal sense for the cause.

    You know just as well as I do that none of them would take the offer. Cowards.

    President Kerry. I like it.

    Good Morning Goddess Brigit, my name is Andy and I am an alcoholic. I have been kept sober since Imbolc 2001 by Your grace and Your grace alone. I’d like to take this moment to thank You, my Higher Power, for this my daily reprieve. Today is a good day to be sober.

    Please be with me today, all day long, and help me to stay sober all day long. Show me Your will for me and grant me the power to carry that out. Thy will, not mine, be done. Thank You Great Mother. Blessed Be.