Saturday, March 05, 2005

Applying Oral Skills To Saving Social Security

  • This post, involving Senator Mary Landrieu of Louisiana, is simply rude, sexist, and crass. It is probably not even very wise for an aspiring Democratic activist to post it. It will probably offend my wife and she may give me the glare and not speak to me. So, by all means, enjoy it.

  • So, I just woke up from a dream in which I was performing oral sex on Louisiana Senator Mary L. Landrieu. Apparently I was trying to convince her to go on record against President Bush's proposed privatization of social security. Of course, as many of you already know, the intent of the president is not to privatize, but rather to kill Social Security altogether.

    The reasoning behind this plan is simple. Social Security is the most successful government program ever. Because of Social Security there are many fewer elderly in the United States living in poverty than at any time before there was Social Security. There are fewer elderly in poverty in the United States than in countries with privatized programs. Look, most of us don't live in the same house with our elderly parents. The only reason Laura's parents are not living with us right now is Social Security.

    There is nothing wrong with free markets, capitalism, free enterprise or personal responsibility. But they are not the be-all, end-all, cure-all to everything. Capitalism and all that it entails is one tool amongst many to solving issues in our culture and society. In many cases, it is the best tool for the job; certainly it serves us well in many areas of commerce. But because it serves us well in one arena does not mean it works for all arenas. That is similar to arguing that a very sophisticated adaptable tool such as a Dremel or Leatherman is suitable for all jobs everywhere. When it comes to actual social policy, capitalism often sucks.

    The free-markets-solve-everything crowd hate Social Security because it works and the success of this program flies in the face of everything they stand for. So they, Bush, Cheney, Grover Norquist of the Club For Growth, pretty much the whole Republican party, want to destroy Social Security. Annihilate it, because it is proof that the government can do some social policy correctly and actually help people.

    But right now, the anti-Social Security forces are failing because Social Security is such a popular program. Republican Senators and Representatives are resistant to supporting the President on this because almost no Democrats support phase out and this strips away thier political cover of bipartisanship. If Republicans can gain the cover of bipartisanship, they will feel free to force us young (okay, I'm not that young anymore) folks to house our in-laws. And that would suck.

    Which brings us full circle, right back to the very intelligent and accomplished, blonde-haired, green eyed Senator Mary Landrieu of Louisiana . Josh Marshall of Talking Points Memo lists Senator Landrieu among a handful of Democratic Senators wavering on the issue of Social Security. He calls them the Fainthearted Faction, and they are the ones who might give the Republicans the political cover they need to ruin our lives by forcing us to feed and clothe our in-laws (whom I love, when they don't live with us).

    Now, I have no idea where my dream came from. I have never thought of the Senator in such a lustful manner in the past, indeed, I had hardly thought of her at all until the Social Security debate came up. Maybe I need more one-on-one time with my wife or maybe I need to purchase one of these artificial wives Republicans so enjoy. I don't know.

    But I do know this: while in many respects I imagine that I am merely an average lover, there is one thing that I do sexually and do well. I know I am good at this. Every woman I have been with, ever, has told me so. Admittedly this is a relatively small number and can be counted on the fingers of one hand. But these women have testified with such enthusiasm that I can hardly doubt them. Indeed, there is a lesbian somewhere in Indiana who can testify that I brought her to multiple orgasm more than once and in fact even after confirming that men were not her sexual preference told me that I was the best. Now, in fairness, she has not said that since she met her current and long term partner and out of courtesy, I have not asked (So, c'mon Robbie, who's better? Amber or Andy?).

    I enjoy this particular sexual act greatly and it is a wonderful feeling to completely satisfy your partner. So, if my wife were to condone it, and only in the name of Social Security, I would be willing to donate my oral skills to the cause.

    So, Senator Landrieu, should you need further persuasion in this great cause, I am your man, Senator Hottie. We will get you on your fine Senatorial desk, hike up that stylish Senatorial skirt and delve into the depths of policy in a way that you have never, ever dreamed. I am perfectly willing to cover the same ground over and over again, as many times as necessary, to achieve consensus. There is no need to dive right in, we can approach from the edges in a slow, methodical and probing approach and work are way into the crux of the matter. Should you have favorite points of policy, we can visit and revisit those. We can explore your the high ground and plumb the fathoms of detail in the program. I'll gladly pay attention to any and all critical issues to which you direct my attention.

    In short, Senator, I am at your service.

    Note to fellow Democrats: while I am obviously willing to go to great lengths to strengthen Social Security, there are limits to what I will do. If oral suasion proves effective and worth trying on other Senatorial holdouts such a Sen. Kent Conrad and Sen. Ben Nelson, I would recommend contacting Jeff Gannon/James Guckert. I believe he is unemployed and may be receptive to an hourly engagement.