Thursday, March 03, 2005

Personal Relationship Hell

This is not my personal relationship hell, this is a hell made by others for others. I'm just trying to figure out why people do these things to each other.

My wife and I went to one of her coworker's wedding reception thing in October. It was very nice. I barely know the guy, who for the sake of anonymity we shall call Bob (his wife will be Holly). Bob seems decent enough; he is very straightforward. A little bit geeky, but overall alright. I like him, he reminds me of myself somewhat. Earnest, sincere, very bright and socially awkward and very likeable. Reasonably attractive I would guess? l haven't asked Laura if she finds him attractive so it's hard for me to judge. I don't think he would be ugly or anything.

Holly struck me as being a very intelligent woman. I don't know all that much about her, but she seemed very nice. She is very attractive but it seemed to me that she dressed to downplay that attractiveness.

He and Holly have lived together for two or three years before marrying. The wedding had been planned months in advance. Seemed like a nice couple. I actually kind of thought to myself, hey, maybe this would be a nice couple to hang with, do dinner, etc.

Holly apparently announced that she was depressed, it was Bob's fault and she left him. Now she is saying she's in love with somebody else and they got married way too soon. And she is gone, daddy gone.

Wow. That's pretty harsh.

I wish I could help Bob feel better, but there is nothing I can do except pray. Pray for Holly too, that's a pretty fucked up mean thing to do, but one can only assume she is to some extent mentally and spiritually sick.

This weekend I will get to face a very different awkward situation soon. There is a woman we know, Katy, who is a longtime friend of ours, and her husband, David. They are coming to visit in the middle of next month. The problem is, I know Katy is having and affair with an someone she used to work with.

Now, I am not going to condemn Katy. I know Katy is truly mentally ill and spiritually sick and overall I believe she is a good person. I don't approve of what she is doing or how she is doing it, but that is really none of my business. She has the right to live her life and if she is willing to live with the consequences of her mistakes, well, so be it. There is also a lot more to this story, but I would probably have to devote a week worth of blogging to do it justice, so just trust me, this is not as simple of a black and white issue as it sounds.

What is my business is that she has made my wife and I co-conspirators in this against our will. I think both of us would be just as happy to not know Katy is seeing her old work pal behind David's back. I mean, what am I supposed to say to David when I shake his hand? Hey Dave! How's it going? You're wife fucking anyone new these days?

I already feel horribly awkward about this. David is an okay guy. I hate knowing he's being played. A part of me wants to tell him, but I won't for a whole variety of reasons. I wish Katy had left us in ignorance. What she is doing is selfish and she had no right to make us a part of it.

So, I joke about threesomes in this blog, about wanting to see my wife with another woman and you know, the reality is, there is a part of me that really wants that fantasy to come true. There are also sometimes when I see a really stunning woman and I think, man, I want to be with her. But you know what?

I really don't. I have seen the turmoil and anger and hate those situations bring and it is ugly. Nobody walks away unhurt. Not the cheater, not the cheated, not the other man/woman. Everybody gets damaged. Sometimes even friends and family.

So, if my life with Laura ever seems routine, well, Goddess bless us, routine can be wonderful. Maybe before I try to have a thereesome I need to talk to Laura (oooh, that's a new idea: TALKING to your significant other. Wow.) and we can figure out ways meet both of our needs and desires. We've done it before, we can do it again. Talking and listening, that's what the makes the whole damn thing work anyway.

I'll tell ya'll a little secret: I may fantasize about other women and wild sexual adventures. I think that is pretty normal and human. Those fantasies come and go and fade and change. But when I daydream about my future, sometimes I can see a small house in the foothills of the Rocky Mountains and an older gray haired couple in a porch swing holding hands. That couple is Laura and I. She is who I want to grow old with, she is the person with whom I have chosen to spend the rest of my life. She is my best friend, lover and partner. I've been having this quiet vision of love for years and years now. Every time I envision it, it fills my heart till it hurts.

Love is not easy. Love takes work. You have to invest yourself in a relationship to make it work. Only if you do that will it be rewarding. You have to stretch yourself to help your partner grow. That is the challenge of love.

Right now, I feel like I am the luckiest man alive, I have Laura, the dogs, the cats and Goddess willing, I will soon have Anwen. And I am sober. How could I ask for more? The Goddess has been very, very good to me.

We've got some interesting upcoming posts on sexuality, affirmations, infidelity, more Wicca and even physics! Stay tuned.