Saturday, April 02, 2005


  • Buddha Maitreya, the Buddha of Loving Kindness

  • Yesterday I was pretty sick and stayed in bed all day. It did not help, I woke up this morning and I am still andy. Based on all indications, it looks like it will stay that way all day. Right now, I don't want to be andy, I don't like him very much at all. I want to annihilate andy, wipe him from the planet. I want to drink a pint of vodka and drive the car into one of those huge concrete pillars that support large bridges, slit my wrists in a bathtub of warm water, swallow the barrel of a large caliber pistol. I want to stop being at all.

    This is one of the reasons why I have never really wanted to be a father. I don't think that people like me who have mood swings like this are safe with small children. What if my daughter inherits this biochemistry of self hatred?

    Back off Andy, you're in dangerous territory here. Start at the very beginning.

    Goddess, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
    the courage to change the things I can
    and the wisdom to know the difference.

    I am Andy and I am powerless over my biochemistry and depression; that is why I take my medications. I know these thoughts are not rational; that is why I am going to see my therapist in a few minutes. I love my wife and unborn child and I will not kill myself because that would hurt them. My life is not bad, in fact it is rich with love and hope.

    Time to surrender it all to the Goddess, to let her have me and my problems. It is all safer in Her hands anyway.

    Good Morning Goddess Brigit; my name is Andy and I am an alcoholic. I have been kept sober one day at a time since Imbolc of 2001. That is by Your grace and Your grace alone. I'd like to take this moment to thank You, my Higher Power for this daily reprieve. Today is a good day to be sober.

    Please, Great Mother, be with me today, all through the day and help me to stay sober all day long. Show me Your will for me and grant me the power to carry that out, thy will, not mine be done. Be welcome in me and to me; body, heart, mind and soul.

    By the Air that is Her breath, by the Fire of Her bright spirit, by the Waters of Her womb and the Earth that is Her body I, Andy, am restarting my day right here, right now. I am going to have a very good day, a very sober day, a day where I am helpful to others and in which I am a loving husband.

    Thank You, Gracious Lady for my life, my sobriety, my wife, my friends, my pets and my coming daughter. It is good to be alive today! Blessed Be!