Bleach

Busted! My wife catches me in bed with another woman! This one's a sly little seductress named Thelma. I picked her up, working the streets in a trashy part of Fort Worth. Ladies, Thelma is my witness: I can make a pussy purr with a stroke of my hand. However, I will admit: I have never even tried to get this pussy wet. I value my life.

I am bleaching my teeth in preparation for the replacement of my veneers. This is turning out to be much, much more painful than I had imagined. My teeth are visibly whiter already. But Goddess, my gums and tongue are just chemically burnt. I think I will be eating a lot of oatmeal between now and next Wednesday.

That's all. It hurts too much to think.