Monday, November 15, 2004

Values Revisited

(c) Andy Ternay
  • My friend, Kalynne, has an expansive concept of Diety. Good for her.
  • I'm back on the topic of values. In my main post on that topic here I noted that there were two items that did not arise when I tried to determine what my values were. One was private property, which has been dealt with here. My friend Matt wrote a response that he posted on his blog.

    Family values has been unremarked upon, up to this point and now is the time. Because I am going to be a father, Goddess willing, I am grappling with this one. I have come to the conclusion that I have no real understanding of family values because I don't have a good handle on how families work at all. My family relations suck.

    My sister and I have essentially either fought, manipulated or ignored each other all of my life. There was a one year period after I got sober where things seemed to be normalizing. You know, Christmas visits, phone calls, cards exchanged. The she found out I was Pagan, she wrote me a letter telling me I was going ot die and burn in hell and that is the last I have ever heard from her. That was about two years ago. Laura thinks she may try and contact us about the baby.

    I have talked with my therapist about this. I have not yet discussed it with my sponsor, but I will. If my sister tries to reenter my life over the baby, then I intend to tell her that I am not interested in pursing a relationship with her and she is not welcome in my life. I will wish her well, hang up and pray to stay calm.

    My original plan was to tell her I'm sorry, you are a fundamentalist Christian and I am not allowing my child to be around people like you. My therapist suggested I take religion out of it. I agree. The only reason I want to insert religion in there is to hurt her as badly as she hurt me. In Alcoholics Anonymous we are people of our Higher Power and as God's people we stand on our feet; we don't crawl before anyone. The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous p. 83

    I don't get to deliberately hurt her. But I am allowed to protect myself and my family. I'm sorry Janice, but you are one sorry human being and you can stay the hell away from my family.

    I have a better relationship with my parents. If you define better as "speaking with" because that is about the extent of my relationship with them. And that is an improvement over the three years or so my mother did not speak with me at the end of my drinking. But
    we may be returning to those days.

    Back in August I wrote about my relationship with my parents here. At the time I felt as though I kind of deserved the treatment I got from them. My therapist told me otherwise, as did my sponsor and my wife, but I kind of felt like all of them were supposed to be in my corner of the ring, if you will. So I did not feel they were really impartial and I thought their judgements were biased. My friend Matt posted a comment to that post. I don't know if Matt is aware of this, but his comment was like lifting a veil from over my eyes.

    When I called my parents to tell them that I would be a father, my dad seemed somewhat enthused, like if I told him I'd gotten a small raise at work. My mother said, and I quote: "That's nice. It's a surprise you know, we didn't think you would. How is work?"

    That will be the last time I call them. I just can't take it anymore. I really can't. They are not worth drinking over and if I stay in this one way relationship I will drink. I'm worried about the guilt I will feel when they pass away, because I will have let the relationship lapse, but I will burn that bridge when I get to it.

    So, I have a female sponsor, a female therapist, a female physician and the Higher Power I found was a Goddess. Do you think I have mom issues?

    One negative I was afraid of when I made my decision is that my child will only have one set of grandparents. When I told my sponsor this, Nici said something to the effect of, "what about me?" and I cried and cried. Thank you so very much Nici. You have saved me from drinking more than once. I would love to have you in my life and in my child's life, I really, really would.

    I have no idea what I started to talk about here, I really don't, but I have to stop and go and sit at a desk for eight hours so that I can pay the mortgage.

    Good Morning Goddess Brigit, my name is Andy and I am an alcoholic. I have been kept sober since Imbolc, 2001 by Your grace and Your grace alone. I'd like to take this moment to thank You, my Higher Power, for this my daily reprieve. Today is a good day to be sober.

    Please be with me today, all through the day and help me to stay sober all day long. Show me Your will for me and grant me the power to carry that out. Thy will, not mine be done. Be welcome in me and to me; body, heart, mind and soul. Thank You. Blessed Be.