Resentments at Parents

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Today is my parents wedding anniversary. I have not a clue what year it is, well, actually I will take that back. My sister just turned forty one so this is their forty second wedding anniversary, possibly forty third. I sent them a card.

I am actually very tempted to send them nothing at all.

Let me explain. Some eighteen years ago I started dating. My parents, to the best of my recollection, treated all of the girls I dated with, at best, a distant politeness. The ones I dated for any length of time got significantly worst treatment.

They treated my wife, Lisa, like dirt well before we married. She actually got yelled at on occasion about things I did. Keeping in mind that I was a blossoming alcoholic that they were dealing with, it was still unacceptable to treat her that way.

When the wedding came, things got worse. Their story is that they were shut out of the wedding, that they had to sit in the lobby of the reception. I was pretty sober that night and that is not how I recall it. That is not how Lisa recalls it. Or my best man, Al. If they sat out there, that was their choice. Nobody forced them to do that.

Since the wedding they have rarely spoken to my wife. The last time would have been five or six years ago. They have never sent an anniversary card that I recall. Lisa got a few birthday cards and I believe a gift or two for her birthday or Christmas. That was before I dropped out of law school (just ahead of being kicked out). That was also before we moved back to Texas. Since then, my mother has never, ever acknowledged my marriage at all. In fact, on the phone if I mention it she hands the phone to dad.

My wife isn’t perfect. There are things in her personality and behavior she needs to work on, but nothing socially unacceptable. Everyone who meets her, likes her. Nobody that I know of, other than my mother and father, dislike her. Nobody. My wife is a good person and I love her very, very much.

Last year was our tenth wedding anniversary. In honor of that and to kind of recognize the rebirth of the marriage in my sobriety, we had a handfasting ritual on Oct. 30th. My Catholic mother-in-law and father-n-law were there. Both sister-in-laws were there as well as a brother-in-law and a nephew. Lisa’s aunt and uncle came. My sponsor and my coven were there for me.

My sister thinks that because of my religious faith I am going to burn in Hell and she fears that it might be contagious so she was not there. My mother had no intention of going, no matter what. My father was going to make it part of a business trip but cancelled.

This may not be true, it may only be what I feel, but those feelings are real and I will honor them here. I feel that in I have no family other than Lisa my wife and Nici my sponsor. I resent honoring my parent’s marriage when they do not even acknowledge mine. In fact, I want to just say, hey, fuck it. Let’s just pretend you never adopted me. I will send you an amends check once a month and that’s it. When the amends are done, you won’t hear from me at all. Take me out of your will, I want nothing more from you. Have a nice life. Goodbye.

It is my wife’s Catholic family who told me that they loved me as I am no matter what. That is what Lisa’s aunt said to me in private at my handfasting.

If I told my parents the above, I would probably die of guilt when they did die, that I had not been there for them. So that is no solution. But it is rapidly becoming clear that I cannot continue to try to be a good son and honor them by calling, by recognizing their marriage when they make no effort to stay in touch with me or honor my marriage.

Maybe this is their way of punishing me for my years of neglecting them when I was drinking.

If so, it is a pretty fucking stupid way to do so because it just makes me angry and resentful and probably puts me in more danger of drinking than anything else in my life today.

Goddess, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. Goddess bless my parents, they are human like me and often wrong and probably psychologically sick as well. Be with Nici today as she faces her personal challenges. Thank You for my sobriety, may I do Your will. Blessed Be.