Fear and Loathing in Mesquite, TX

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I don’t think I really belong to this country anymore. I certainly don’t belong in Texas and have no intention of staying here for any reason. If I thought I could sell the house and get the hell out, if I could find a job, then I would be gone. Where would I go? How about someplace where 60% of the people don’t hate me. Vermont, California, Washington, Illinois, Rhode Island, Oregon, Pennsylvania are all options. About the only place worse than Texas would be Oklahoma.

My job is rapidly becoming unbearable. I get up and before I go to work I dread it. At work I feel miserable, on the defensive all the time, waiting for the other shoe to drop. It gets old fast. I feel worn down, just absolutely run into the ground. It is hard to be on your guard all day everyday.

It’s not simply that I don’t belong. It’s that I have come to realize that most of these people regard me with hostility. They don’t like me and they don’t trust me. The feeling is mutual. I think they are a bunch of goddamn hick rednecks. If someone says hi, I am on the defensive—what the hell do they want?

Actually, if I am to be honest, since Nov. 2nd, I have come to realize that I hate them all. They look at me as the enemy. I view them in the same light. I don’t trust them. I don’t like them. If they all died today I don’t think I would be very upset.

None of this is very good AA. In fact, it probably places my sobriety in jeopardy. That feeling of alienation in the AA meeting that I talked about yesterday? I think it is an extension of this. I don’t trust these people any more. I don’t want to be open and honest with them because I think they would harm me, given the chance.

My sponsor, Nici, is back in town tonight. I will call her tomorrow. I need sleep desperately.

Good Morning Goddess Brigit, my name is Andy and I am an alcoholic. I have been kept sober since Imbolc of 2001 by Your grace and Your grace alone. I’d like to take this moment to thank You, my Higher Power, for this daily reprieve. Today is a good day to be sober.

Please be with me today, all through the day and help me to stay sober all day long. Show me Your will for me and grant me the power to carry that out. Thy will, not mine, be done. Thank You for my family, my friends, my pets, my life. Thank You, Goddess. Blessed Be.