Friday, November 05, 2004

Anger Revisited

(c) Andy Ternay
  • A pretty good representation of how I feel, broken and incomplete.
  • No sleep again. I’m really getting woozy, like out of it.

    I’m about to quit work. Yesterday I just walked off the job. There is this one lady who works there and everyone knows she sleeps with the owner of the company. I don’t think it is rumor either because he publicly acknowledges that he bought her new tits. In any case this has been going on for thirty-five or so years. Her son works for the company. To me that is sick and I don’t know how he does it. See, he is incompetent. He can’t actually do his job. That is public knowledge and he even jokes about it. I don’t think I could or would work for a place where everyone knows I can’t do my job and if my mother wasn’t blowing the owner, I wouldn’t have a job.

    Anyway, this woman, let’s call her Elly just so we have some fictional id for her, Elly and I got into it about the election. I was very polite, but furious and got even angrier. Elly didn’t know it but I was on the phone with my sponsor, Nici, a minute before and she had told me that I needed to say the serenity prayer and calm down. If that didn’t work, Nici said, tell them you’re sick because you are and leave.

    See, I was thinking about using my little Leatherman multi-tool to carve up Elly’s ugly little face. So I just left.

    Maybe you can see why I think I’m not suited for fatherhood. I’m too angry. There are really no excuses for thoughts like that. My thoughts are sick. I really wanted to hurt that lady. It really scared me how much I wanted to do that.

    Anyway, I still have a job for the moment. That may change today. We’ll see.

    Writing words like these is probably not a smart thing to do. Someday someone will use them against me. Oh well, they are the truth about how I feel and what I struggle through.

    Maybe we should give the child up for adoption. It worked out well for me, I guess. Yesterday I realized that the dogs were frightened of me when I took a shoe and hit it against the wall to dislodge some dirt that was inside and irritating my feet. Am I that bad of a person that I raise my hand and my pets run from me? That is not who I wanted to be. In fact, that is the polar opposite of what I wanted to achieve with all of the work I have done.

    In my little introduction at the top of the page, the description of the blog I say that I want to be kinder and gentler. It’s true, I do. Right now I don’t see a way to get there from here.

    I’m pretty sure the way isn’t found through a bottle.

    Yesterday I wrote that I could not feel the Goddess. I did in the afternoon. I could sense Her. After leaving work I felt like my pride had taken a huge hit and for a brief moment I had clarity and could feel Her presence. It’s gone again. So, I know She hasn’t gone anywhere. It’s all about what I am doing that keeps Her away. Sometimes I wish I had never found a Higher Power because I bet that means there is some kind of afterlife. Right now I just want to die and have it all end, no memory, no trace of Andy anywhere.

    Good Morning Goddess Brigit, my name is Andy and I am a drunk. You gave me the gift of sobriety and a whole new life starting on Imbolc of 2001. I don’t want to piss that away. I need to remove these barriers to Your presence so that I can get the power I need from You to stay sober. I don’t think I am of much service to anyone at present and I know I need to change that if I want to stay sober. Thank You for being with me, thank You for my family. Blessed Be.