Thursday, November 04, 2004

Regretting The Pregnancy

(c) Andy Ternay
  • Dusk in the Chisos Mountains.
  • I got to bed early last night but I didn’t sleep. I couldn’t, really. Just lay awake with angry and frightened thoughts running through my head. Our little dog, Zoey, was not much help, she has short hair and was obviously cold, so between the voices in my head and Zoey trying to be as close to me as possible, I just got no rest.

    Essentially what it comes down to is simple. I’m frightened.

    One of the reasons I did not want to become a parent, ever, was because I thought the world was going to hell in a handbasket. It seemed unfair to bring a child into that world, knowing their life would be harder than mine, their scope of opportunities would be less than mine.

    I wish I had not gotten Laura pregnant. I wish we had taken precautions that one time. I don’t want to bring a child into this world, not at all. Abortion is out of the question, so it is what it is.

    I’d be lying if I denied that any of this fear involved me personally. I am afraid because I can’t see how we will make our bills, especially if one of us is a stay at home parent. All that stupid goddamned credit debt that was so easy to rack up. The $60,000 left in student loans from law school—which I managed to fail out of.

    But most of my fear involves my child. I don’t see how I can offer my child a life better than mine in terms of financially, security and safety. I don’t even see how I can offer my child a life like mine in those senses. I don’t think the opportunities will exist anymore. I’m watching as blue collar and white collar jobs alike disappear from this nation. The jobs that are left are essentially low paying service jobs. What happens to those when no one is employed to manufacture goods? What happens when nobody is employed to run the accounting for that nonexistent manufacturer? Will we be able to even have those service jobs?

    I really don’t want my child to grow up with the options of being a server at Hooters or an associate at Wal-Mart.

    It was stupid of me, selfish of me to do this, to not look ahead. I’m really no different from a sixteen year old in terms of the level of irresponsibility.

    I know I am supposes to have faith, and turn things over to a Higher Power but today I feel like there is nothing there. I know that feeling is an illusion created by a sense of despair and powerlessness, but the feeling is real and deserves to be acknowledged. I’m so depressed I don’t even want to go to AA.

    But I’m also thirsty, so I know that I had better go. There is, after all, a way to give my child a much worse future than I have even written about in my fears here. That would be to give my child a father who is an active, unrecovered alcoholic for a father.

    Goddess, today I do not feel You at all. Yet I will ask, please, Goddess, keep me sober today. Just today, please. Thank You. Blessed Be.