Thoughts On Suicide

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A friend of mine surprised me with two CD’s this weekend. One was Nirvana’s Nevermind and the other was Nirvana MTV Unplugged. I was very surprised and pleased. She’s fourteen and I am amazed at how she seems to be able think of others—something I was not very capable of at fourteen.

The CD’s she chose to get me did not surprise me in that I remember that death was a big mystery at that age and that must add greatly to the Kurt Cobain mystique. It has been ten years since Cobain committed suicide and I wonder if that anniversary has anything to do with Courtney Love’s recent spate of arrests and detoxes. Suicide not only ends one life, it tears apart the lives of those close to the person who is gone.

I think it was about ten (it might be nine) years ago that Clay, a friend of mine, shot himself in the head, killing himself. Hearing that was stunning to me, because Clay seemed to have everything. He had dated the prettiest girls, he was liked by every guy I knew. He was smart, he had a great sense of humor, was charming and kind. He was very generous. I know that he loaned things out with no strings attached and gave things away without showing any concern about it. Clay’s parents were wealthy on a scale that I did not really comprehend.

I did not have a clue he was suicidal, or even depressed. He could be very quiet sometimes, but to be honest, I thought that he was so self-confident that he didn’t feel the need to impress others by talking constantly (unlike me). In fact, more than once I would watch Clay with envy and wished I could be so confident.

Girls loved him, I think almost every girl I knew back then was infatuated with him. Clay was confident and assertive with women and I envied him terribly.

I went to Colorado for law school and shortly after, Clay killed himself. The events are not connected. I was a friend but not a close friend. I remember drinking a beer sitting on my balcony in Aurora, wondering how he could do it and what had happened.

I have a memory that is very hazy and may in fact be fantasy, not reality, of stopping by Clay’s house the next time I was in town and telling his mother how much I had liked him and missed him and her thanking me for telling her. If that is real then I think I was pretty fucked up at the time because it is like remembering though a haze.

I think, again I am not sure, that a mutual friend told me he had been on Prozac and quit taking them. My mind says that’s right, but it doesn’t feel quite right, like maybe I am confusing two people. That’s the problem with drinking alcoholically; you lose things. Like large parts of 1994-2001.

Suicide is like a grenade in that it kills maybe only one person but the explosion tears apart the lives of everyone nearby.

Today I take my antidepressants and I am grateful to have them. I know that Bill W., cofounder of AA struggled with depression all of his life. It is good to know that I have access to professional help. I’m lucky.

I have heard those assholes in AA meetings who suggest that if you have to take antidepressants, you aren’t really “clean and sober.” I really want to kick the shit out of them. To my knowledge, none of them is a medical doctor and they really have no clue. That cluelessness could kill someone—probably a sponsee.

You know what I want to do? I want to have my friend Clay over and show him our house. I want to meet his wife and maybe his child. I want to know what is happening with him and talk about music. I won’t get that chance, and if his suicide bothers me, a casual friend, this much after nine or ten years, I can’t imagine the hole in his parents life.

I am really, really glad you gave me those Nirvana CD’s Kalynne, but forgive me if I don’t listen to them too often. They make me so very sad.

Good Morning Goddess Brigit, my name is Andy and I am a drunk. I have been kept sober since Imbolc 2001 by Your grace and Your grace alone. I’d like to take this moment to thank You, my Higher Power, for this, my daily reprieve. Today is a good day to be sober!

Please be with me today, all through the day and help me to stay sober all day long. Show me Your will for me and grant me the power to carry that out. Thy will, not mine be done. Be welcome in me and to me; body, heart, mind and soul. Thank You, Goddess, and Blessed Be!