Tuesday, July 27, 2004

The Goddess is Doing the Driving

One of the funny things about inviting a Higher Power into your life is the consequences. My experience has been that when I invited the Goddess Brigit into my life as my Higher Power, I immediately ceased having control over my life. I did not actually know this at the time, and I often forget and act as though I had some say in what happens to me but . . . it is an illusion.

Anne Lamott, who happens to be a really good Christian author (yeah, I know, I’ll forgive her anyway) has a really incredible essay on how the Divine works in our lives. You can read it at Travelling Mercies. For my Pagan/Wiccan friends, please overlook the gratuitous use of the "J" word and the fact that she misidentifies Divinity as being masculine.

In my life I have had incidents of synchronicity, those little nudges from the Divine saying, “I am real. You are not imagining me. Sit back and enjoy the ride because I’m doing the driving.”

Right now, today, I am sitting here in a mix of confusion, excitement and fear because it just happened again. Over a month ago, my therapist said that she did not think my current job was what I needed. She encouraged me to start looking. About three weeks ago my sponsor indicated that she thought my job might be a threat to my sobriety because of the resentments I was developing over it. She urged me to start looking. So, I got out my resume and dusted it off.

After that, I did nothing.

See, I am afraid. After all, I have an okay job. I’m not enjoying it. I deal with a lot of customer complaints and I feel powerless like you would not believe because I do not have faith in my company. We have a bad history of doing our beta testing on the general public and a basic unwillingness to change. The company is somewhat lazy and it is accepted that some people don’t work and still get paid—like the owner’s kids.

The other thing is, I get paid okay. It’s more than I have ever earned in my life, which makes me sound ungrateful, but then again I was an active alcoholic and performing well below my potential. My therapist, my sponsor and my wife all tell me that I am worth more than I get paid. I’m starting to believe them.

So I have done nothing because to look for a new job because I am afraid. That is the simple truth of it.

Today I am at work, sitting at my desk, trying to stay busy and the phone rings. It is a guy who works for a rival company, I’ve known him a while. He says, hey, you know how I work for company K.

I say yeah.

He says, well company K is owned by company C. And company C also owns company O.

I kinda feel like I am being lectured, like a slow child so I am silent.

Andy, you there? He asks. Yeah, I say.

Well, company O needs an inside job filled. I wanted to recommend you. If you are happy working where you are, at company F, I won’t do it. But this job would be very good for you and it would be good to have you on the team. So, do I recommend you for the job or not?

Thanks for thinking of me, I reply, of course I’d love to talk with them about it.

I’ll give them your number, he says.

They haven’t called yet.

I have a sneaking suspicion this is one of those God-Shots. Nobody—and I mean nobody—in the industry knows I am looking. I have told no one. There are not a lot of jobs available right now.

Time to do some serious prayer and meditation. Talk to my sponsor. Talk to my therapist. Do some positive self talk.

I will do the interview at the very least. I’ll meet some influential people I have not met. Maybe I’ll get a job. Maybe I’ll just make a business contact. Either way, I intend to do my part (double check the resume, clean the suit, etc.). After I have done my part, I intend to lie back, relax and enjoy the ride. ‘Cause it is pretty clear once more that I am not doing the driving.