Sex and Porn Part II

This has turned out to be much harder to write about than I ever would have guessed. I think that is because unlike my alcoholism, I have not taken nearly as many steps to address this issue in a constructive manner.

So what have I been trained to do with things that overwhelm or frighten me? Turn it over the Goddess. I have not invited Her into this, so that may well be some of the source of my discomfort. Worry about people still liking me if they read this is another.

Great Goddess, I hereby ask You to please be with me as I explore this part of my life. I ask that You guide me to Your will and show me Your way. May what I write be of service not only to myself, but also to others. As always, I thank You for my life and my sobriety. Blessed Be.

That actually did make a difference, I feel better.

I think I have a problem with porn because I find that I use porn as a way to avoid dealing with the world I live in. I bet you could chart out my periods of depression by looking at my porn consumption-the worse I feel, the more I consume. The angrier I am the more aggressive porn I choose to look at.

Of course the question is, if I am looking at porn because I am feeling depressed, angry or lonely, does the porn make me feel better?

No. It does not. In fact, it raises feelings of shame and guilt and those emotions are dangerous for me. Shame and guilt are feelings that really, really can eat at me. I think I could drink over shame and guilt and that is why I must act. I'll tell you straight up, porn is not worth drinking over.

There was a period of time earlier in my sobriety that I really kind of went into a suicidal funk, just this hateful depression. During that time I spent a lot of time looking at the type of porn I normally find offensive: violent, sadistic, torture type porn. That was tearing me up, it was this vicious cycle of being depressed, looking at that crap, then feeling guilty and ashamed. Fortunately I was able to talk with both my sponsor and therapist about that. Their solution was deceptively simple: if I found myself immersed in a world that caused feelings of shame or guilt, I was to pause, pray and tell myself I don't have to do this.

It worked. I don't look at that type stuff anymore and when I head that direction, I turn away. That stuff is not about arousal and sex, it is about power and control, anger and fear. Those are the things I am trying to avoid. There was a time that I worked in a battered women's shelter and they trusted me to run the facility alone overnight. The residents trusted me.

That is the person I want to be today. A man who can earn, honor and deserve that sort of trust. Not a frightened, violent person who has to have control over those around him.

I am allowed to be powerless today, I don't have to be in control. Thus, I am freer than ever before. I love paradoxes.

That is the easy part because I do not want to be that way.

Mainstream porn, for the most part, does not offend my sensibilities in that way. I do not see it as any more exploitative than working for say, Exxon or Union Carbide. In fact, many times I think I am able to enjoy that sort of porn in a healthy, normal manner for a sexually active male. Enjoyment of porn during non depressed periods is a given, why else would I want it?

But my ability and willingness to obsess over smut for hours when I am depressed is not constructive--I certainly don't feel that it is. I need to find better ways to handle those feelings and moods. Maybe I could work on a Book of Shadows, do Alcoholics Anonymous service work or something like that.

Or I could talk to my wife honestly and frankly about what I want out of sex. That's hard for me to do. I am afraid it would turn her off or make her think I am a freak. These thoughts are irrational and I know it, but they are hard to overcome. I love my wife and I want her to be involved in all parts of my life including this. My wife has commented that she thinks porn gives men unrealistic hopes and expectations. Apparently she thinks, for some odd reason, that most women really don't want to participate in a six man gang bang.

Well, this is enough for now. Since I have talked about myself and what I see my problems to be on this subject, tomorrow I will try something a lot more fun.

Society at large and porn.

Thank You Brigit.