Thursday, May 19, 2005


It is interesting to think of myself as a father. I sometimes feel as though I have barely settled into the roles of son and husband. Not to mention the role of weird liberal guy at work. All of my life I have tried to define my masculinity, what it means to me to be a man. Because I honestly don't know. I won't go into a big long spiel about how women have redefined their roles and now men don't have as clear of roles in society; which I think is true to some extent. I do support the women's movement, whether it is called feminism or empowerment. But I don't know exactly who I am or what I am supposed to be.

I tend to get along very well with gay men and women of all preferences. Straight men I don't often relate well to. To me they often seem agressive and abrubt. Often I think that men, and unfortunately more and more women, tend to define themselves primarily by their career. This is alien to me; sales are things I do, not who I am. My worth cannot be measured in dollars alone.

My wife told me the nicest thing anyone has ever said about me after I had been sober about a year. She said that now that I was sober I was becoming the gentle and kind man she always knew I was. Nobody ever said anything that nice to me before. And yet, I hated myself for being gentle and kind because I thought they made me weak!

Then I hold my baby in my arms and I suddenly know that this is why I am such a gentle person. Not because I am weak, or feminine (which should not be a negative anyway). I am a gentle person so that I can hold my daughter with as much of the reflection of the love of the Goddess as I can muster.

I believe my life's work requires me to try, as best I can, to shine that reflection of the love of our Creator, however you see Her, upon every person I meet, every day of my life. The people who have taught me this over the years; my parents, my friends, Laura, my sponsor, and people I have never met like Bill W. and Starhawk, they lead me to this way of life.

I think I have met my new instructor; her name is Anwen and I have so much to learn from her.