Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Falling Short Again

Sorry, no photos tonight! I forgot the password to my control panel so that I can upload the photos.

I am probably being oversensitive here, but it was bothering me so I will just go ahead and say it. I want all of you to know that even though I am responding in a pretty defensive manner here this is more for my therapy than a criticism of you. Please feel welcome here, please post comments. One of the great joys today was to read the comments aloud to Laura and Anwen. So, if you feel this is aimed at you, it is really not a personal thing; I'm just terribly frightened that I am a bad husband and an awful dad. and have to write out the things that tell me this is not so.

1. Laura approved every photo before they were posted. All photos of her are either pre-labor or post cesearian. The biggest knock against me regarding the photos is that with the photos after the birth consent was obtained from a person under the influence (i.e. Laura said I could post, but she was highly drugged). She saw the photos today and said they were cool with her.

2. With regard to the charge that I was AWOL during labor here is my defense:
  • From day one I wanted a doula. We knew good and damn well that both of our families would be less than useless and we were right. Laura chose to have the baby in the hospital she works at and it would not have been a politically smart move for her to have a doula. They frown on alternative medicine here and there are people in the administration who would have resented Laura doing that.
  • Laura works here, she knows these folks, they were very attentive to her.
  • The plan from the start was that at some point I would leave her to check on the dogs. I fucked up. I should have done it first thing in the morning. But things seemed to be going very well and fast, so I stayed thinking, stupidly, that things would continue to go well. They didn't.
  • My new plan was to stay the whole time. Not leave for anything. Then they gave Laura the Stadol and the epidural and she essentially passed out. Her nurse told me that Laura would sleep for an hour at least and nothing would happen during that time. So I left, sped home, posted to get some anxiety out and solicit support, fed the dogs and ran back. I still fucked up because Laura's Doctor had come by and decided to give her on last hour before going and doing a c-section. I was not there.
  • If I had left anytime between 11:00am and 9:00pm (the start of the c-section) I would have left her at 5cm because she was at 5cm that whole time. She never progressed. Her body was not ready and unfortunately her blood pressure committed her to the c-section.

  • So, I am well aware that I fell short of what I was expected to do. I'm also aware that Laura's doctor probably thinks that I am one stupid asshole for leaving. So don't worry-I know I fucked up.

    Mom is doing well, she is walking, all IV's etc. have been removed. Baby is feeding fine and seems well. I'm trying to stay the hell out of the way.