Thursday, January 06, 2005

Step Three Revisited: Nici, Hold Up!

(c) Andy Ternay
Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God, as we understood him.

I'm going to get all of this indexed under my index of stepwork tonight.

Quick summary of call to psychiatrist:
Them: we can schedule you an introductory appointment in May.
Me: You know, I wouldn't bother because by then I will have shot myself.
Them: Can you hold for a second?
Me: Sure. Holding.
Them: Can I call you tomorrow and we'll see if we can't fit you in sometime very soon?
Me: Thank you very much.

Okay, I probably owe them an amends for being a drama queen (if I'm str8, does that make me a drama king? Hmmm. For the purposes of this post assume I'm bi or something and we'll go with drama queen) but I was proud of myself for being assertive. Too often in the past would I have meekly said, okay and tried to hang on until May. Nope, not this time. I'm not kidding when I say I need help now.

You know how blessed I am? I have insurance to pay for this. I have a job that provides insurance (job still sucks though). I am a very fortunate man. So many folks I know have lost jobs and insurance. What are their options for mental health care? Virtually nothing. Even the local county hospital, Parkland, is only holding people determined by a court to be an "imminent threat to themselves or others" for forty-eight hours before releasing them. So I want to record right here, right now, my gratitude to the Goddess that I have these things that make it possible for me to get the mental health care I need.

I always want to turn the third step into a huge project, but it is not meant to be that way. All I am doing is making a decision. By continuing to do the steps, that is how I take actual action to turn my will and my life over to the Goddess as I understand Her. Right now, all that is being asked of me is a decision to do so.

Very quickly, what am I turning over to the Goddess as I understand Her if I do this and proceed? My will and my life: in other words, my thoughts and my actions get turned over to Her care.

How do I make my decision? Very simply. I get on my knees and recite the third step prayer:
Goddess, I offer myself to thee, to build with me and do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of Life. May I do Thy will always.
The prayer is found in The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous p. 63 and at this link.

Step Three? Done.

Note to sponsor: Hey Nici, can I have a day to catch up on reading? I'm still on Step Two in the Twelve and Twelve. I'm not usually this out of sync with the reading when I work the steps.

Blessings to everyone.