You Can't Always Get What You Want

If the kid is born with fur, there will be a divorce!

Note: some links are not work safe. Hint: they are the ones labeled porn.

It is amazing to think that I am sulking. But I would be lying if I said I wasn’t. I wanted a new iMac. I went and built my dream machine online and got a price. Then I looked at how to pay for it. Using the new computer as a tax write off would be perfectly legitimate. Laura will be home with the child and she is expected to work from home. After her three months off are up, then it will be my turn and I am going to be expected to work from home.

I managed to get myself quite excited about this. Whenever I am making a big new purchase that happens. Already I had plans for creating an online empire with my new computer. And there were some practical advantages to purchasing a new computer.

Hard drive backup: I have returned to a situation where I don’t have adequate space to back up things like my iTunes and iPhoto library.

Eliminate dialup: right now Laura uses a phone line to dial into the work system with an ancient laptop work gave her. We could eliminate that line and save $52 per month (believe it or not, that is the cheapest we can get a phone line for—the city of Garland allows utilities monopolies so we are paying higher rates for just about every utility).

New computer can run Windows emulation software. That means Laura can use the new computer to access work at high speed and interface not just with the medical software but also the hospital system. Our old Mac just does not have the speed to run the software.

For some reason things did not feel quite right. So yesterday I talked with my therapist about it. She has a real knack for bursting my bubble. After I get through enumerating these advantages to her she looks me dead in the eye and says aren’t you just buying yourself a new toy?

I must have looked guilty as hell.

She said I always use new toys as ways to tell myself that I love myself which sounds like New Age psychobabble bullshit until you live in my head. Then it makes perfect sense. Because that is exactly what I have done all of my life. I feel bad, I reward myself. The old, standard reward was alcohol. There were other things, aquariums, books, etc., but back then the surest reward was booze. Preferably vodka, chilled.

Now that I am sober and sick to death of fish (never turn your hobby into your profession), I reward myself with swords, axes, books, more books, computers, porn, and finally more porn (go ahead, click a link, you know you want to). I probably missed some things in there, those of you who know my wife can ask her or maybe she will comment.

The upshot of this?

No iMac for Andy. I am going to try to be mature, try to learn to comfort and self-nurture in other ways.

We’ll get the iMac at some point, but not now, not until we pay off some more debt. Next year (Monday) I will start racking up dental expenses to the tune of thousands of dollars.

I hate it. I want my new toy. I am actually very upset about this, it is like a toothache just gnawing at me. I am ashamed and upset that I am still this childish and immature. Four years sober and acting like a four year old. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Oh well, turn it over to the Goddess and let it go. Nothing else to do. At least it frees up some money so that I can donate here. There are folks in Asia who need that money a lot more than Apple does. Funny thing is, even Apple seems to agree that they need the money more than we do.

By the way, the adult links? Don't feel bad. The enemy likes smut too. Very interesting article that is work safe.