Tuesday, June 29, 2004

Doing the Will of the Goddess, easy in AA, harder at work

Good Morning Goddess Brigit! My name is Andy and I am an alcoholic. I have been kept sober since Imbolc of 2001 by Your grace and Your grace alone. I’d like to thank You for my daily reprieve. Today is a good day to be sober!

Please, Great Mother, be with me today, all day long, and help me to stay sober all day long. Show me Your will for me and grant me the power to carry that out. Thy will, not mine be done. Inspire me to act and create in Your name. Be welcome in me and to me: body, heart, mind and soul.

Adjuva Brigitta! Thank You! Blessed Be!

The purpose of my little daily prayer is to start the day by reminding myself that I am a hopeless, helpless drunk on my own and that I cannot stay sober by myself. It reminds me that I am no longer in charge. As part of the price of being sober, I have agreed to try to do the best I can to serve the Goddess.

Many times I have no clue what I am supposed to do. I mean that I will encounter situations that do not have a clear path and I do not know how to best serve the Goddess. I am fairly shy so I am not the best person about trapping newcomers after AA meetings and making them take my number and agree to call, getting them a Big Book and getting them started with the steps. I have seen people do that. After a meeting I do introduce myself to newcomers, I also do give them my number, but I pretty much leave it at that. I don’t know if that is lazy or fine.

I kind of torment myself about whether or not I do enough, contribute enough am generous enough to really be an AA member. I have never sponsored anyone face to face. There is a program where you can write to prison inmates (across several states) about AA and I have sponsored a man through that program. However, we did not do a thorough fourth and fifth step—we could not and that was where my usefulness to him ended (although I need to check my mailbox and make sure of that).

But if in AA I have a general idea about what I am supposed to do to be a good servant of the Goddess, at work I am at a loss. My sponsor says, be a worker among workers, do your best to pitch in, always try to be helpful. I used to be pretty good at that, but now . . .

The job no longer interests me at all. It is clear that I can’t advance much position or salary wise. Intellectually I am just floundering. I was promised commission in my yearly review, but it appears that I will not get commission for domestic sales. It has become noticeably harder to deal with domestic situations. I am at a loss. I could go on about the place I work at, it is fairly dysfunctional.

It also earns the majority of its revenues from the petrochemical industry. If I am really such a huge environmentalist, then perhaps I should work elsewhere.

Finally, I am a round peg, this job is a square hole. Bottom line there is that I do not fit in. I used to try to socialize at work, now I no longer even try.

My therapist says it is time for me to get moving on. In fact I have in front of me a resolution to have a new job by Lammas. I have not done much towards this. The reasons not to act are pretty simple: I get paid okay, I’m still in credit debt from my drinking, once that is paid off I will have much more financial freedom, the job is safe, I know the rules and so long as I adhere to them, I am not going to get into trouble, we’re in the process of purchasing a car, I need to show financial stability to get the loan. However, I think the real reason is simply that I am afraid. I am frightened of the unknown, scared to make a mistake, all those fears of the unknown.

The reasons to leave are also simple: I’m miserable, I don’t want to spend my life doing something that I don’t feel contributes to anything positive, I don’t want to spend my life in North Texas.

A danger point exists in staying—if I become restless, irritable and discontented and stay that way, then sooner or later I will start looking for something to give me a sense of ease and comfort. Alcohol is pretty damn high on the list of things that give me a sense of ease and comfort. FWIW.

Not a very spiritual post today . . . sooner or later I will have to talk about sex. That should be more interesting.