Thursday, June 09, 2005

Thoughts On Babies and Partners.

I keep wanting to tell you amazing and remarkable things about my baby, but despite the fact that we put her to bed in an MRI, Anwen has yet to discover a cure for cancer. Tapes of Dr. Richard Feynman lecturing on physics played beside her bassinet have given her a thoughtful expression on occasion, but aside from the full diapers there have been no elementary particle explosions in the neighborhood. Needless to say I am a little disappointed. I didn't want to have any old run-of-the-mill baby; I was hoping to father the new Messiah.

On the other hand, one of our congratulatory notes has proven absolutely true; I cannot find the email or comment now otherwise I would give credit where it is due. The person commented that we should be careful and watch the little fingers on her hands because they were magic; as small as they were they have the power to wrap completely around Daddy's heart. That is absolutely true for both my heart and Laura's.

I find that sometimes at work I have been sitting there, for Goddess knows how long, staring into space, daydreaming about Anwen. Taking her to the mountains, hiking with her, teaching her to play chess, reading Harry Potter to her, even just sitting and holding her. She's already taught me a lot about patience.

A word about the marriage; I am very glad we went into this with four years of solid 12 step recovery under our belts. Those four years have forced us to talk with each other in blunt and candid terms about how we feel. We entered parenthood with some humility (not enough on my part; even claiming humility shows how far I have to go), a lost of love and hope and a great many fears and anxieties. But we had already done much of the work of establishing and creating effective lines of communication. As a result, although there are moments of disagreement, we function pretty well as a team. Laura and I work well side by side together. We are a team, and I can't really think of anyone else I would want by my side through this.

I love her tremendously and am lucky to have her in my life.

The other thing is the Goddess. I need to work to integrate my faith more deeply into my daily life, but knowing She is there always helps.