Monday, June 27, 2005


  • Books for me to live by.

  • Well, I finally made it to a meeting today. I even chaired and got to welcome a newcomer to the miracles of the 12 step world. Always refreshing to do that. Got to see some old friends, got to talk a little about the baby. The topic I chose was short and sweet:
    The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink. Our so called will power becomes practically nonexistent. We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink.
    From the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous p. 24

    Yep. I remember those days vividly. Sitting in the car, looking into the liquor store, saying to myself I will not drink tonight. I don't want to drink tonight. And then going in and buying a pint or quart of vodka. The really bad nights I would have to hit the "Beer and Wine" shop because I missed the 9pm closing of the liquor store. I used to get beer, but the low alcohol content just did not do it for me anymore. So I'd go grab a big bottle of white wine - I can't remember what kind, but I carefully looked at the alcohol content of all the wines and this one had 22% alcohol and that was what drove my choice - and two rolls of tums. Drink that much white wine that fast and you will suffer agony in your stomach. So two tums per glass. Usually it worked. Sometimes I'd throw up and the acid of the wine and stomach would tear my throat up for three or four days, motivating me to make it to the liquor store on time so that I could get some vodka and stick it in the freezer. Ice vodka was gentle to my throat if not my head or stomach.

    Standing in that liquor store line, stomach still burning from the night before, I could never remember the misery of that morning at work. Or how sad my wife looked. Or the dog cowering in the corner away from me. All I could see was that in a few minutes I would feel better, even if only for a half hour before the pain would start.

    Been so long
    Forgot what it's like
    Like fighting, like sex...
    Think it's time got stinking drunk
    Big Black: Stinking Drunk

    Not today Goddess, thank You, not today.