Wednesday, May 11, 2005

Penis, Penis, Penis-See, Made You Look!

Have you ever been in the middle of having sex with someone and looked closely at them and said to yourself: Holy Shit, s/he's dead!

Well, me either, but I thought that if I wrote that, it would get me started this morning so that instead of staring at a blank screen with no idea what to say I would then be staring at a blank screen with about four lines on it instead. It appears to have functioned reasonably well that way. But the bad thing about choosing a topic I have not experienced is that I am rapidly running out of things to say about it.

Bet you did not know guys could fake an orgasm, did you? There was one occasion, long before I met Laura, where I had a relatively attractive woman make a pass at me. This was at a party and I took her up on her offer. To make a long story short, I got her shorts and panties off first, and things were proceeding in a fairly postitive manner. I was ready, she was ready; all the signs were that things were a go. Nothing would stop me from having wild, irresponsible and amazing coitus with this woman.

That is, until she got her top off and I realized that she had a body odor somewhat like a wildebeest in heat. Suddenly I felt everything, ahem, collapsing. THE HORROR! What was I to do?

Now that I am older and wiser, I probably would have suggested a shower, even though this was somebody else's house. Or told her I had some weird fetish for doing chicks who were fully clothed up top but bottomless. But I will give my parents full credit here: they raised me to have manners. I am also one of those people who hates to hurt other's feelings. So I was a gentleman.

I faked an orgasm.

I'm not sure she believed me; it sure felt phony to me, but I shook and moaned and the dim lighting helped hide the fact that not only was this a premature ejaculation, it was in fact a non-ejaculatory male orgasm. Then I apologized profusely for not being able to control myself. I mean, what the hell else could I have done? I could have said: Look man, I wanted to do ya, till I realized you smelled like the bottom of a swamp. But I just could not do it. If someone, let alone a sex partner, said that to me, it would have just destroyed me. I could not do that to her.

But my torture was not over, she asked me to help her finish! Carefully breathing through my mouth, I assisted her as best I could. I was free!

But then she wanted to cuddle! She said she felt really bad about what happened with me! Fortunately, genius struck and I suggested that since this was a party, we get dressed, unlock the door and then cuddle so that we were not monopolizing the room and she agreed. To this day I have no idea how her t-shirt miraculously contained that smell, but it did and I was able to hold her and listen to her soothe me and console me for my "problem."

That is probably the single most awkward social/sexual experience of my life. The Goddess has been very kind to me; I never saw her again. I wanted to make this very clear: I wish her well, I hope she has a great life filled with love and happiness and an abundant supply of Right Guard, Secret, or whatever deoderant she prefers. It was bad.

So what do you think? Did I handle that the right way? Or should I have said something so she was aware of the problem?