Wednesday, March 16, 2005

Tradeshow Headlight Report: Final Count

  • Image courtesy of The Onion. Reproduced without permission.

  • Well, the total tally stands at an unimpressive sixteen pairs. And not a one occured whilst speaking to me. So evidently I have lost the Secret Powers of Seducing Women which I learned from the amazing online course Arouse Women Now! However, to make up from the dearth of nipples, some of the ones that were visible were like those pictured above: mighty impressive. I did eat ANOTHER 13oz of steak the night after the one my wife kindly blogged for me (she would not provide the periodic visible nipple update I requested and seemed annoyed that I would ask).

    I also passed a sobriety milestone: I went to dinner with an Englishman, a Welshman and an Irishman and I remained sober, unless there is such a thing as secondhand intoxication. If there is such a thing, I might need a another twenty-four hour chip, because I do believe they drank an entire ocean of beer and a small lake of red wine. Every time the Irish guy breathed my way, my vision doubled. Very nice fellows though.

    Industry gossip that none of you care about: Central Garden and Pet, the corporate giant that has been gobbling up pet companies left and right for the past three years acquired both the Eugene Danner manufacturing corporation and St. Francis of Assisi in a dual acquisition announced during the show. As the patron saint of pets, St. Francis will bless all of the products produced by Central Garden's stable of in-house brands. Passing through the brand new real-estate development that passed for the Central trade show booth, I noticed that all of their sales representatives proudly wore the manacles of their enslavement to their corporate masters and provided maximum shareholder value.

    In response to the acquistion of St. Francis, United Pet Group (who own Marineland, one of our competitors) promptly bought the Buddha of Animal Enlightenment and German aquarium giant Tetra.

    In related trade show gossip, Nick from T. gave me a really cool T. computer mouse and introduced me to his really hot, cute and very smart assistant, what's her name. I was entirely engrossed in checking out her legs and failed to actually hear the name. I told Nick that we would have to work together on some project sometime soon and that he should loan me his assistant so that I could talk my wife into a threeway with her. One final bit of gossip: one of the Nv reps from the sales group that is about to be fired had a really, really cool starburst pattern tattoo on her wrist. It looked like henna but it was a light brown dye. I wish her luck in the job market.

    Affirmation update: I did not achieve my affirmation during this trade show. Not a big deal as I had just started. Not all business goals can be achieved that rapidly. It will take time and work to destroy the entire capitalist structure of the pet industry.

    In other news, I am home and the dogs are delighted that the pack is intact again. Smokey is still an asshole, but I was so glad to have more time with him before we put him to sleep, I overlooked it. I got to hold my wife in my arms and feel baby Anwen move, so I am a very grateful and happy man. Thank You, Great Mother, for giving me this life. It is overwhelming how good things are sometimes.