Tuesday, September 20, 2005


On Thursday, Mabon, the autumn equinox for those of you who are Pagan, I will be launching a new venture. I would be lying to you if I didn't bluntly admit what I feel about this which is truly a sense of fear and depression. Simply put, I am afraid of failing, that nobody will like what I have done. I hate the feeling but for about the past week I have had a deep sense of nausea whenever I think about it, a feeling so deep that I have not been doing work that is essential to the success of my idea. I am wishing that I had never started at this point.

Some of this is my normal stage fright. I have always had that. I suspect a lot is exhaustion; baby has not been resting well this past couple of nights, nor have I. Work is not going well, in fact, work is going so poorly that for the first time in a long time I am literally afraid that I will lose my job. Right now my wife is having some difficulties with breastfeeding and that is new; until now that had been going very, very smoothly. The upshot of that is that I see my wife struggle and I cannot help her so I find myself simply feeling stupid and useless.

Well, that is at least something I am good at; I have years of experience and practice feeling stupid and useless, or worse, smart and useless. My parents always told me that if I was going to do something I should be the best at it that I can be and I excel at tearing myself apart so perhaps it is good to have returned to my roots.

I really wish I had not become a father. I don't think I am fit to be one.

In a ballet of perfectly awful timing my managed healthcare provider has managed to screw up my perscription drugs so I have suddenly been forced off of one of my medications without warning. I will just as abruptly be returning to taking it whenever they fix the perscription. Every time I deal with them I get angry; it does not matter the lead time or the planning, they always seem to get it wrong.

I should shut up and focus on all the things I should be grateful for; all the bounty in my life today. But right now it all seems like ash and dust to me. So I will leave this post the way it is.