The Question of Children

Lisa (the pseudonym for my wife) and I have been discussing having children. We both agree that it would be easier to have someone else’s children so that we could return them when it becomes difficult. But smart remarks like that don’t address the marital issues here and in fact very much annoy Lisa who says that someday she would like to have a serious discussion on this topic.

For years I said I did not want children, that I did not have any interest in having them. Over the last few years this has changed. I think the biggest reason for the change is that I no longer think of life as something to be endured—my glass is no longer half empty. Even when the glass does seem half empty, I now have a belief that there is more in the fridge or a quick trip to the grocery store will fix that. I don’t know that I would go so far as to say that I am an optimist, but I am certainly no longer a constant pessimist. I can be cynical at times, but my cynicism seems to be more of a situational attitude than a permanent state.

But I’m still not sure I want to have children.

My feelings about this subject are so mixed up. On the one hand I would love to have a child and show them the magic that I see in everyday life: a sunrise, the clouds before a storm, a cardinal landing at the bird feeder. I imagine hiking with them, showing them the herds of elk in Rocky Mountain National Park, teaching them the power of the written word.

Intermingled with these hope and dreams lies the thread of fear. I am afraid of losing my temper and hitting my child. I’m not nearly the angry man I used to be but I still can go off and when I do, watch out because I’m dangerous. Children don’t need to be around dangerous people.

Lisa says I will make a good dad, that I am patient and kind and loving. I believe her, but I also think she is thinking of me at my best, not me frustrated and at the end of my rope.

I worry about what would happen if I started to drink again. All I really have is today; I am sober today and today only. I have no idea if I will drink tomorrow. It is quite possible that I will drink again some time. The number of alcoholics who die sober is a pitifully small number.

What if my child inherits my alcoholism? Will I have to watch my child destroy himself or herself?

Okay, that statement above verges on the ridiculous. The sperm has not even met the egg yet and I have the kid in detox. I will leave off of predestining the potential child’s future after this next point.

I had at one point I insisted to Lisa that I was willing to adopt a child but that I was not willing to have one of my own. Aside from the fact that children tend to be adopted to people who have trouble conceiving on their own and that we would probably have to adopt an older child, Lisa was able to dissect the real reason behind this idea. I am afraid that my genetics are awful—again, the alcoholism, my lack of medical history as an adopted child myself, my thyroid problems. Lisa just responded to these fears by pointing out that any child we adopt would come with their own genetic baggage.

She’s right. I can’t control the genetic past of a child I adopt any more than I can control the genes I will pass on. I have let go of that. I am not longer convinced that my genes are uniquely worse than any other person’s genes on the entire planet.

Hey, I have red hair. There is some good in the mix after all.

How about some of the more selfish fears that I have? I won’t have the time to myself that I currently enjoy. Children are expensive, will I be able to buy all the neat toys I want after having a child?

What if Lisa likes the kid over me? I’ve seen that happen and those marriages can be ugly and painful to watch with one parent and child on the inside and the other parent on the outside.

What if, what if, what if. What if a meteor hits the house and insurance doesn’t cover it? What if Osama Bin Laden converts to Christianity and surrenders?

I could waste my life on what if’s.

I still don’t know if I want to have a child. But I do know this: this discussion was academic four years ago. Now we are approaching an age where Lisa would be considered a high risk pregnancy and her fertility decreases. The discussion is immediate and relevant today.