Monday, June 07, 2004

Anger, Shame, Repentance and Regret

I think this is where the rubber meets the road I guess. I had thought that I would not censor or remove what I write no matter how bad or how shameful it is. Well, this one will qualify, I am sure. This is why I will not have children.

Tonight the puppy ate one of my wife’s shoes. I was actually mad at my wife, whom I will call Lisa here because she has the right to her privacy. What made me angry is that she left the shoe out and she was angry at the puppy, Zoey for chewing it. I’m thinking to myself, you stupid woman, what did you expect, she’s a puppy. Puppies chew things. So we walk out the door to take them both for a walk, I have Buzz the big boy and she has Zoey.

Buzz sees a cat and does what he always does: he goes for it. I lose it. I just start hitting the dog. I don’t tell him no, I don’t let him know why, I just hit him two times. As hard as I can. Then I go and I drag him back toward the house. His collar comes off, just slides over his head. He runs away from me to Lisa.

There it is:
I hit an abused dog because I am angry at my job, my life, my wife, and he is the one who sets me off.

See, I know Buzz was abused. We got him from a shelter and from day one he has been a scared dog. He loves me, I am the alpha male, no doubt about it. My approval means more to him than anything in the whole world.

So I hit him. Why, I don’t know for the life of me. As I do it I know I will hate myself. I know I am wrong. I know this is not what the Goddess wants from me or for me, but I just hit him anyway.

Now I’m the big man. My dog is afraid of me. He is wanting me to pet him, reassure him he’s okay. He’s fine. He is such a good dog, so obedient, so little trouble.

I’m the monster.

What am I to do now? As I see it, I have a couple of choices. The first is, I can wallow in self pity and continue to beat myself over what I have done. But I don’t want to do that.

What I would like to do is to turn it over to the Goddess Brigit and ask Her to please help me be a better man, a kinder man. I need to make an amends to my dog, to let him know as best I can that he is a good dog, a wonderful dog, a gift in my life. I need to pray for patience and love. I can’t do this alone, I need a Higher Power to help me do it.

I hate being broken and I have just broken myself again. I am powerless until admit I am powerless and ask for help.

This is an important thing for me. Lisa and I are discussing having children. If I am going to be the old Andy, the angry Andy, then I don’t want any part of children. Goddess help me, I never want to raise a hand in anger again.

Shame. I hate that feeling. Time to Move On.

“For My law is love unto All Beings.”
The Charge of the Goddess